Solids for Sammy!

Hanging out in the Tripp Trapp.
He really seemed to like sitting
up higher, more on my level.

For NaNoWriMo, I have uninstalled the Facebook app from my phone. A consequence of this is that I am not posting as many pictures of my adorable son and I know that this makes everyone very, very sad. So here is a photo dump from this week - the week we started solid foods! It's been a lot of fun.

That's a little piece of mango in his pulp.

And it was delicious.

 So we made a big order from our very favorite baby store and got everything we would need. We love our TrippTrapp, the Pulp, and the Dips. The Pulp and the Dips are very easy for Sam to hold and get into his mouth as you can clearly see from the many pictures to follow.

Please enjoy this string of pictures of Sam trying new food. If you scroll quickly it turns into a little movie. 

Obviously, this one is my favorite.

 As ever, please excuse our messy home. Just focus on the adorable baby.

 All in all, Sam seems to really like eating his fruits and veggies!

My Mentally Ill Mishaps : Kitchen Edition

Does your food ever skeeve you out? You are just in the kitchen minding your own business, preparing a meal, when all the sudden your eyes are not seeing the ingredients, but are instead seeing something macabre and terrifying? This could very well be my ugly OCD coming out (yeah, bet you didn't know OCD could manifest by making you obsess over nightmarish things, didcha?) It's a lot like this.

I remember when I was a kid, there was this one time that my dad was fixing hot links. For those uncultured swine out there that don't know about hot links, they have a very strong smell to them while they are cooking. Like hot, greasy, fatty, spicy hot dogs. Only not necessarily good. They are these spicy sausage links. Hot links. It's a thing, I swear. So my dad is cooking hot links and our house smells very meaty. While we are eating at the table, my dad tells this horrific story (that I'm pretty sure is a true story, but I think it might have been just an urban legend. I like to think it is just an urban legend. Anyway.) about these two LDS missionaries who were murdered at a meat processing plant and the only things they ever found were the missionaries name tags. I was unable to eat a hot link for about thirteen years.

Sometimes it's less scary than that. After I worked in the Brookshire's (east Texas grocery chain) deli for six months, I just couldn't work with raw chicken very well. I would do it if I wanted something made with chicken, but once I was done cooking, I suddenly didn't want that chicken dish I just made. I would be able to smell soapy dingy water and burnt grease, just like the deli at closing time. I couldn't shake it until my depression messed with my memory. Or if I eat something new and then I get really sick, I'm forever skeeved out by that food. Chicken sausages. Can't do it. No matter how good the sample may be.

Today, the kitchen creeps struck again. Our local grocery store's butcher counter sells these delicious little monsters called brat burgers. What!? They are amazing. David and I figured that if we bought the brats at Sam's, we could just remove the little sausage casings and then have our own brat burgers for a better price. I pulled one of the casings off a brat, all excited about brat burgers for dinner when my brain switched funny. No longer was I holding a sausage casing, it was a disgusting pork flavored used condom. I nearly ran from the kitchen and hid in my bed. But that's what I would have done when I was sick and, by golly, I'm not sick anymore. I can handle cooking! I can totally unwrap two more brats...It was terrible. I couldn't stop my brain from conjuring up all these ugly, ridiculous images. I fed the cases to the pup because I knew she would find it an awesome treat and what does she care that they are terrifying? She did love them. She ate them right up and then all my brain could think about was my Majzy being a mohel's garbage disposal. I tried to laugh it off, but I couldn't.

I wasn't able to finish preparing our burgers. That will be up to David after he gets home. Has this sort of thing happened to you? I guess it will now that you've read this. Sorry.

This is the kind of thing that I vaguely remember being very ashamed of while I was in the thick of my depression. I think it's important to open up dialogue. While I want there to be less of a stigma for my own sake, in case I fall back down the rabbit hole, I think it can benefit anyone dealing with their own mental illness or neuroses to be more open with and supportive of each other. I don't know.

How do you get your brain back on track in the kitchen?

My Breastfeeding Bust: Failing at Feeding

After Sam's nursing strike (which was the worst. If you think your babe might be striking read up here) my milk never recovered and it wasn't in that great of a place to begin with.

Before we left the hospital after Sam's birth, Sam had lost an entire pound. The doctors weren't worried, or so they said, but they kept talking about it every time they came into our room. It made me a little crazy. We popped open one of the little two ounce formula bottles that they give you to take home and fed it to our little boy. He sucked it down, happy enough, and spit it back up, happy enough. Two ounces was just too much fluid for his tiny tummy. The nurses tried to tell me that everything would be fine; Sam's latch looked good and he was doing a good job nursing, but the damage had been done. I was paranoid.

Once Little Hak was about two weeks old, we had made it through our first growth spurt, my nipples weren't killing me every time he latched and we were rarely supplementing with formula. But Sam's weight was still really slow and we were going to the pediatrician for weight checks and lactation consults. And thus began my dependence on my Medela. I was pumping after I nursed and if I woke up early enough in the morning, I would pump before the boys woke up. I even kept my manual pump handy in the night so that I could pump, quietly, after Sam's midnight meals.

Just as things were really looking up for us, David and I had to rush to the emergency room because I had a crazy pain in my back that made no sense. Blood clots, as it turned out. I was admitted to the hospital and I was there for three days. David would bring Sam to the hospital during the day and I would pump every three hours he wasn't there with me; we cuddled in my bed skin to skin, but there was a definite dip in my output. Once I got discharged and back home, things began to perk up a little, but two weeks later, I was back in the hospital with clots again, bigger and more of 'em. I cried each time I pumped because of how pathetic my pumping output was. By the time I had pumped three times, i had just enough to make a meal for Sam, and at that point he was only eating four ounces at a time.

From then on, we had to supplement every day, three or four ounces. Then the move. Sam went on nursing strike. I was too busy to pump like I needed to, even though I was pumping for four hours every day. I couldn't keep up. After the strike ended the best we did was about half breast milk, half formula, but we didn't do our best very often. And I was trying everything. Oatmeal, brewer's yeast, flax seed, More Milk Plus, Milky, tea, pumping as often as possible, and nursing as much as I could. I couldn't pump more than two ounces at a time even when Sam hadn't nursed and I felt sore.

So here we are, two months later, and I have finally thrown in the towel. Well, I'm trying to throw it in. I tried to pack up my pump yesterday and I was just overwhelmed with sad. I even cried. So I brought it back out and pumped out a measly quarter ounce. I find that I am having a very difficult time letting go of this.

I think it's an identity problem. While I was still pregnant, I was really looking forward to a natural birth, the pain and all. I was excited about it. I felt intrinsically connected to some deep well of womanhood as I prepared for my son's birth. But I had a c-section. I felt a little cheated. More on that later. But as a nursing mother, I found that connection. I was nurturing my child like some kind of bra-less, wild Mother Gaea.  But I haven't been able to do that either. None of this is to say that I am ungrateful for the age we live in with safe surgery and good nutrition for my child despite my body's failings, but it does feel like a failing. It does feel like I'm not woman enough for my Sam.

I don't know. I don't feel shamed by other moms or whatever for choosing formula, but I feel a deep, sad jealousy. Sam holds onto his bottle and eats, happy as can be, and I'm jealous of it. It's like when David was dating other girls, I was devastated, but under that I was just hoping that he would be happy. I felt like that with Sam's bottle. Then I immediately felt like a crazy person.

I guess at the end of the day, I'm glad he's happy and healthy, but still...

Any moms out there who have felt this way? Or am I just a crazy person? Any tips for getting over the breast milk blues, as I will henceforth call this?

Favorite Sammy Stuff for Months 1-3

Now that Sam is past his four month milestone, I can look back and see what things we liked and made our lives tremendously easier. So, for what it's worth, our newborn favorites!

At least he wasn't crying because we pulled a shirt over his head.

• Side Snap Baby Shirts. These come in short sleeve, like in the link, and long sleeve with little mitts on the hands. Onesies are baloney compared to these bad boys. Sam was born at the end of May and it was nice and warm so we would put him in one of these with one of his cloth diaper and he looked so cute. No pulling anything over giant baby heads, making babies cry and squirm. These were the best. Easy and awesome. Must have.
• Kissaluvs fitted diapers.They were great when Sam was smaller for nighttime stuffed with a BumGenius doubler. They contained the mess incredibly well and were very easy for me to manage. He could typically go all night without me having change him during our three o clock mealtime. And when he does poop in them, they are very easy to rinse out. Super plus. Nice to have.
• Soothies. Holy crap. There are the best pacifiers. Some moms think that they are ugly or too big, but they are the best. We took three home from the hospital and bought three more two packs at Target. If you go that route, check out Target.com first. They are normally fifty cents or a dollar cheaper online and Target will match their website prices. Hooray for saving money! Must have.
• Soothe-and-Glow Seahorse. This is a Sam favorite. Full disclosure: ours is pink and purple because we got it second-hand from David's boss. When Sam was having a tough time settling down for a nap, I would turn on his seahorse and he would just look at it until he fell asleep. Worked every time. It was amazing. Nice to have.
• LulyBoo.

  

  Someone is happy about being in his LulyBoo!

  This was amazing. We only got it because we were going to travel just a month after Sam was born and we had a Babies R Us gift card, but it turned out to be wonderful. If Sam fell asleep on my chest while we were watching TV, I could lay him in his little bed right away, right there in the living room and then shower or eat or walk around the apartment all by myself. It gave him a safe place to sleep on our bed when he was being particularly needy but we both needed a nap. And, best of all, it is super washable. Nice to have.
• SwaddlePod and SwaddleMe. We really didn't use the Aden+Anais swaddle blankets everyone loves right at first. I would use one to hide my fair babe from the sun while he was in his sling or as a nursing cover, but we only started swaddling him up with his gauzy blankets when he was nearly three months old. Before that we used the Summer Infant things. They kept Sam nicely snugged up. He could get his hands out of the top of the Pod, but we would just wrap him in a little cotton knit Carter's blanket and he wasn't too hot and was super snuggled up. These are just great, though. And way cheaper than many other similar products. Must have.

  

  Swaddlepod snuggles make sound sleepers.

• Netflix and Mario. So much of my time was sitting on the couch either nursing or pumping or sitting underneath a sleeping baby. So I beat Paper Mario, which Sam loved watching. Bright colors and fun music? Yes, please. David and I watched a ton of House, Mom and I watched two seasons of Supernatural (in, like, three days), I rewatched my various BBC shows like Sherlock, Coupling and the IT Crowd and discovered new fun shows like Wallander, A Young Doctor's Notebook, and Hell on Wheels. Seriously. This might be the most important thing on this list. When Sam was super little and I was feeding him three times during the night and all the time during the day and I was too brain dead to have an actual conversation with David, TV was the best and video games were even better to break up all the television. Must have.
• Comfortable nighttime nursing chair. We had our awesome corner couch (like the middle part of a sectional) in Sam's room. It's super cushy and soft and so comfy. You are going to fall asleep nursing the baby sometimes and you don't want to wake up sore or with weird parts of your body asleep, so a good chair is essential. It was so nice to have a place that was roomy and soft. Must have.
• Freebies, hand me downs, used items. This was David's favorite thing. Free things. Make friends with everyone. Scour CraigsList for cheap clothes, used cloth diapers (if that's your deal), nursery furniture (mind safety, obviously) nursing pillows, anything really. We had several friends who had babies before us who were ready to get rid of some stuff. We got free bottles, diapers, nursing pillows, a bouncy chair, a car seat, a co-sleeper bassinet, pacifiers, clothes (like a metric ton), baby carriers (an Ergo!), changing table, crib, various toys, blankets, you get the idea. We were able to spend money on a few, expensive, high quality items (like our jogging stroller) and we were able to afford it. Nice to have.

  

  Co-sleeper, check. Soothie, check. Seahorse, check.

• Co-sleeper. This was so nice during Hakon's first month. Mommy paranoia is a real thing. I would wake up and panic that Sam had died or something. I could reach over and lightly touch Sam's belly and be reassured that he was alive when he twitched. It was very convenient to reach over and pull Sam into bed to nurse in the middle of the night and then lay him back down without having to get up, especially nice while I was still tremendously sore from the C-section. When we were reading to transition our little guy to his own room, it was easy to set it up as a normal bassinet. Some folks enjoy the crib right away, but, for us, this was a Must have.
• Baby wearing gear. I really wanted to do a lot of carrying my babe because I was terrified of postpartum depression. I know that it isn't a definite solution, but I was doing anything I could think of to prepare a little. I used a ring sling and a Moby the most, but the Beco Gemini and the Ergo Organic are others that we have that I like. This is one department where knowing someone who is getting rid of baby stuff is very helpful. Or knowing  your way  around a sewing machine. 

Extra Life 2014!!!

David and I are ridiculously excited for October 24th. By that time, I will be done with this class that I am in the last panic driven two weeks of (so panicky, in fact, that I'm taking time to write this blog post), we will have a five month old baby (what the what?!), and we will be one week away from our awesome Halloween costume (either Dean, Castiel, and Sam from Supernatural or Thomas, Martha and Batman Wayne). But what we are most excited for is Extra Life 2014!

Sam is excited to play Arkham City

After Sam goes to bed on Friday the 24th David and I will begin a 24 hour gaming marathon to raise money for the University of Iowa Children's Hospital, a Children's Miracle Network hospital. This is the hospital that very likely saved my sweet cousin Mara's life some ten years ago or so and where we will take Sam if, heaven forbid, anything is to happen to him.

Majzy wears a 2T

So far, Sam has been nothing but wonderful; he's happy, adorable, and, most importantly, healthy. True, since his birth, we have had to go to the emergency room four times, but each trip was because of my blood clots and Sam was pleasant the whole time I had to be in the hospital, being especially nice for his Pop during the night shifts. We are so grateful for our little boy and even more grateful that he is healthy. So, in an effort to pay it forward, we are trying to raise one dollar for every day that Sam hasn't been in the hospital- $154. If we could afford to just give it ourselves, we would, but we can't; we need help! Please help support us supporting our hospital.

I really want to get footie jammas for David and me. I think it would be fun and cozy and would make for very fun pictures. However we can't afford that either. If you want to sponsor our jammies, that would also be awesome.

David and I are really excited for this. Taking a day to pretend we are young enough to stay up all night, playing games. We'll be live-tweeting (only on Facebook since neither of us Twitters) our games, fun pictures, the Papa Murphy's pizza we'll be eating, and how tired we are. It will be very fun! We are excited that we will be having a very fun time and hopefully doing some good at the same time.

Welcome Home, Paynes!

We are still settling in (read: there are boxes and messes all over our apartment still), but I think that we are going to be very happy here.

We are in Coralville, Iowa, which is to Iowa City what Orem is to Provo or Ypsi to Ann Arbor. It is very clean and bright here which is quite different that Ypsilanti where we were before. Ann Arbor was beautiful, don't get me wrong, and we mostly enjoyed our time there, but we are excited to be out of there in here in Hawkeye Country.

Some fun things of note since I don't know any history and not that much geography to share with y'all.

• The classic rock radio station (which was the first thing I did when we got here and got all our stuff off the truck) on game days does not play classic rock during the game. They broadcast the Hawkeyes game as if it were Led Zeppelin or the Stones. This station also does GameDay Traffic Reports before the game starts. These folks are not playing around with their football.
• I live even closer to the Target here than I did in Michigan. It's less than a ten minute walk. Also, the Target is attached to the mall. It's amazing and spells trouble for our budget. 
• Our apartment complex has a fenced in area right across the parking lot from our front door that is just for pups! Majzy loves it! They have toys and poop bags and grass; it's the best. Consequently, Majzy can no longer be trusted walking on her own from the car to the front door or from the front door to the car. 
• The Tractor Supply store where we get Majzy's food is right next door to the Adult Shop. Talk about one stop shopping. 
• When we moved in, there were six baby bunnies living in the grass right outside our front window. They have grown up and moved on (I hope; there are a lot of dogs in this complex) but they were pretty much the cutest things I had ever seen.
• I have had a sick tummy pretty much everyday we have been here. Apparently there is something in Iowa water that does not agree with me, but I have lost eight pounds so...just kidding, I'd way rather be heavy than be sick every night!

I think that's about it. When we have our mess cleaned up, I'll do a post (with pictures!) about our new home

I"m Still Here

It's been terribly hectic, but we have made it to Iowa! We are still settling. An embarrassing number of things are still in boxes and furniture is still in flux, but we have places to sit and sleep and that is pretty good.

Over the past two weeks I have been making a mental list of things that I would like to post to my blog so here is a brief list of things to come. Feel free to chime in to help me prioritize my posts.

• Why Batman Forever is a Terrible Batman Movie
• Several Things I Learned from Sam's Nursing Strike
• Feminism + Comic Books
• Hosea: My Old Testament Hero
• Filing Cabinet Makeovers
• My Yarn Wall 
• Introduction to Our New Town
• My Favorite Baby Products + Sam's Favorite Products

So, please, give me some direction and motivation! It will be fun to have blogging again (we didn't have internet for two weeks) for when David is playing Batman or I just don't want to do anymore house work.