Prenatal Depression: A Horror Story

My very favorite horror story -Last Days by Adam Nevill - starts the same way many horror stories do, with a whisper. The protagonist is investigating what some claim to be a haunted apartment building. Armed with  a video camera, he goes at night to check things out, because of course. First he hears faint footsteps that could conceivably be just the aches of an old building. So quiet, but so unsettling.

I heard the faint footsteps. In the quiet hours between chores, during a nap, or when the lights were off and everyone was sleeping, there was the whispering, so quiet and inconsistent I could easily name it simply hormones, fatigue, winter, bronchitis. I identified it and went on my way.

Next, our skeptical protagonist, catches the faintest glimpse of that otherworldly horror through the viewfinder of his camera. It is so fast and so unbelievable that, although he had seen it, after only a few moments, he shakes it off, puts it from his mind.

There were days, never two in a row though, that I saw it. Unlike our protagonist, I recognized it; I faced this ghost before. It's sudden appearance would shock me, frighten me, but then it would be gone when I woke up the next morning after a bit of a cry, maybe a cup of coffee, and some time getting the worst of it off my chest to David. The next day would be fine. The whole episode seemed so fast, like it maybe hadn't happened. Hormones, fatigue, winter...

I eventually listened to the ghost. Like the protagonist, sighting by sighting, the mystery became more clear. Not hormones or winter. There was emptiness. A disconnection.

I didn't feel this new baby. I didn't love this new baby.

I shoved this away. It's a repulsive thought and I was indeed repulsed by it. And if I didn't shove it away, what could I do with it? Should I share this emptiness and fear with David, the man who trusts me to take care of his children all day? Could I talk to a therapist who would recommend drugs that make me feel spaced out of my gourd? What about the friends I haven't seen in years? Could I pray to a Heavenly Father who has never carried a baby in His body and, according to scripture, loves His children unconditionally? What could He know of this pain?

My conclusion was that I should just leave it be. A couple days a month seems manageable, especially working off the assumption that everything will fall into place once I meet this baby. Besides, how dare I complain about this baby. So many dear friends of mine have bravely shared their struggle with infertility, miscarriages, and lost babies. I have a baby! I have another growing within my body! What a beautiful blessing! How dare I feel anything but gratitude or love?

But I didn't. I don't. I can't.

I am managing though. I do indeed talk to David.  I continue to pray. I'm not sure if my prayers are understood, but I know that they are heard. I will probably seek out therapy, even if just to have another listening ear.

I am haunted but I am not alone.

We are all haunted. Perhaps it is the sickness of our past or the babies we have never held, but we all have our ghosts. I share mine in an effort to put it to rest. I share to include you in my struggle because I refuse isolation. Isolation is a weapon a depressed mind uses against itself, and I will not be my own enemy. I refuse isolation. I do not compare my horror to my friend's; that isn't fair to either of us. Down that path lies useless guilt and guilt that doesn't inspire improvement is simply poison. I share my confidence in the future. Fear is another weapon that I will not have used against me. I will love this baby. Even if it takes longer than that first embrace, I will.


Our protagonist eventually has to face down an unimaginable evil, fight it, and destroy it. He does it alone. I will not.

Solids for Sammy!

Hanging out in the Tripp Trapp.
He really seemed to like sitting
up higher, more on my level.

For NaNoWriMo, I have uninstalled the Facebook app from my phone. A consequence of this is that I am not posting as many pictures of my adorable son and I know that this makes everyone very, very sad. So here is a photo dump from this week - the week we started solid foods! It's been a lot of fun.

That's a little piece of mango in his pulp.

And it was delicious.

 So we made a big order from our very favorite baby store and got everything we would need. We love our TrippTrapp, the Pulp, and the Dips. The Pulp and the Dips are very easy for Sam to hold and get into his mouth as you can clearly see from the many pictures to follow.

Please enjoy this string of pictures of Sam trying new food. If you scroll quickly it turns into a little movie. 

Obviously, this one is my favorite.

 As ever, please excuse our messy home. Just focus on the adorable baby.

 All in all, Sam seems to really like eating his fruits and veggies!

Favorite Sammy Stuff for Months 1-3

Now that Sam is past his four month milestone, I can look back and see what things we liked and made our lives tremendously easier. So, for what it's worth, our newborn favorites!

At least he wasn't crying because we pulled a shirt over his head.

• Side Snap Baby Shirts. These come in short sleeve, like in the link, and long sleeve with little mitts on the hands. Onesies are baloney compared to these bad boys. Sam was born at the end of May and it was nice and warm so we would put him in one of these with one of his cloth diaper and he looked so cute. No pulling anything over giant baby heads, making babies cry and squirm. These were the best. Easy and awesome. Must have.
• Kissaluvs fitted diapers.They were great when Sam was smaller for nighttime stuffed with a BumGenius doubler. They contained the mess incredibly well and were very easy for me to manage. He could typically go all night without me having change him during our three o clock mealtime. And when he does poop in them, they are very easy to rinse out. Super plus. Nice to have.
• Soothies. Holy crap. There are the best pacifiers. Some moms think that they are ugly or too big, but they are the best. We took three home from the hospital and bought three more two packs at Target. If you go that route, check out Target.com first. They are normally fifty cents or a dollar cheaper online and Target will match their website prices. Hooray for saving money! Must have.
• Soothe-and-Glow Seahorse. This is a Sam favorite. Full disclosure: ours is pink and purple because we got it second-hand from David's boss. When Sam was having a tough time settling down for a nap, I would turn on his seahorse and he would just look at it until he fell asleep. Worked every time. It was amazing. Nice to have.
• LulyBoo.

  

  Someone is happy about being in his LulyBoo!

  This was amazing. We only got it because we were going to travel just a month after Sam was born and we had a Babies R Us gift card, but it turned out to be wonderful. If Sam fell asleep on my chest while we were watching TV, I could lay him in his little bed right away, right there in the living room and then shower or eat or walk around the apartment all by myself. It gave him a safe place to sleep on our bed when he was being particularly needy but we both needed a nap. And, best of all, it is super washable. Nice to have.
• SwaddlePod and SwaddleMe. We really didn't use the Aden+Anais swaddle blankets everyone loves right at first. I would use one to hide my fair babe from the sun while he was in his sling or as a nursing cover, but we only started swaddling him up with his gauzy blankets when he was nearly three months old. Before that we used the Summer Infant things. They kept Sam nicely snugged up. He could get his hands out of the top of the Pod, but we would just wrap him in a little cotton knit Carter's blanket and he wasn't too hot and was super snuggled up. These are just great, though. And way cheaper than many other similar products. Must have.

  

  Swaddlepod snuggles make sound sleepers.

• Netflix and Mario. So much of my time was sitting on the couch either nursing or pumping or sitting underneath a sleeping baby. So I beat Paper Mario, which Sam loved watching. Bright colors and fun music? Yes, please. David and I watched a ton of House, Mom and I watched two seasons of Supernatural (in, like, three days), I rewatched my various BBC shows like Sherlock, Coupling and the IT Crowd and discovered new fun shows like Wallander, A Young Doctor's Notebook, and Hell on Wheels. Seriously. This might be the most important thing on this list. When Sam was super little and I was feeding him three times during the night and all the time during the day and I was too brain dead to have an actual conversation with David, TV was the best and video games were even better to break up all the television. Must have.
• Comfortable nighttime nursing chair. We had our awesome corner couch (like the middle part of a sectional) in Sam's room. It's super cushy and soft and so comfy. You are going to fall asleep nursing the baby sometimes and you don't want to wake up sore or with weird parts of your body asleep, so a good chair is essential. It was so nice to have a place that was roomy and soft. Must have.
• Freebies, hand me downs, used items. This was David's favorite thing. Free things. Make friends with everyone. Scour CraigsList for cheap clothes, used cloth diapers (if that's your deal), nursery furniture (mind safety, obviously) nursing pillows, anything really. We had several friends who had babies before us who were ready to get rid of some stuff. We got free bottles, diapers, nursing pillows, a bouncy chair, a car seat, a co-sleeper bassinet, pacifiers, clothes (like a metric ton), baby carriers (an Ergo!), changing table, crib, various toys, blankets, you get the idea. We were able to spend money on a few, expensive, high quality items (like our jogging stroller) and we were able to afford it. Nice to have.

  

  Co-sleeper, check. Soothie, check. Seahorse, check.

• Co-sleeper. This was so nice during Hakon's first month. Mommy paranoia is a real thing. I would wake up and panic that Sam had died or something. I could reach over and lightly touch Sam's belly and be reassured that he was alive when he twitched. It was very convenient to reach over and pull Sam into bed to nurse in the middle of the night and then lay him back down without having to get up, especially nice while I was still tremendously sore from the C-section. When we were reading to transition our little guy to his own room, it was easy to set it up as a normal bassinet. Some folks enjoy the crib right away, but, for us, this was a Must have.
• Baby wearing gear. I really wanted to do a lot of carrying my babe because I was terrified of postpartum depression. I know that it isn't a definite solution, but I was doing anything I could think of to prepare a little. I used a ring sling and a Moby the most, but the Beco Gemini and the Ergo Organic are others that we have that I like. This is one department where knowing someone who is getting rid of baby stuff is very helpful. Or knowing  your way  around a sewing machine.