I gave a talk in church yesterday. Once a month, the topic for talks gets pulled from the 12 step book and this month was step 5, confession. I was so excited I was asked to speak and very pleased with the reception that my talk received, so I thought I would share it here! This is as it was written when I read it so I'm sure there are run on sentences and the like, but don't let that get you down too much.
I am Kate Payne, my husband David is a postgraduate researcher here at the university. We
have two small children, Sam who will be two this spring, and Josie who made her appearance
this past fall. You probably know us as the weird family who brings the dog to church. Majzy has
been a part of our family since New Year’s Eve 2011.
As I’m sure many of you have seen, she has a patch on her vest that says PTSD Service Dog.
For those unfamiliar with this term, PTSD stands for post traumatic stress disorder. Walking
around with what is probably my biggest vulnerability clearly displayed for all the world to see
has been quite the adjustment. It has also been one of the greatest healing tools I have found.
Ever since I was a child, I have lived with the truth that depression will cycle back to me; the
anxiety will return and with it the nightmares and the panic attacks. For all that time until
relatively recently, the spring of 2013, I also lived with shame. This sickness of mine was
something that I needed to hide, but since the sickness itself sapped all of my life force, I
retreated into myself, far away. Isolation was easier than faking.
However when I woke up from a particularly long and dark depression, I realized how very
misguided that dichotomy was, fake happiness or avoid the world. I felt that it was my
responsibility to dispel some of the stigma associated with mental illness. I also wanted to build
myself a support network of friends and family who would understand or at least know what I
was dealing with when my depression cycled back. I am sure many of you also felt an intense
relief and some heart wrenching gratitude when in October of 2013 Elder Holland told us,
speaking of mental illness, that “however bewildering this all may be, these afflictions are some
of the realities of mortal life, and there should be no more shame in acknowledging them than in
acknowledging a battle with high blood pressure or the sudden appearance of a malignant
tumor.”
I am here to bear my testimony of the power of making that acknowledgement. Confessing our
dark secrets, whether they are illnesses, sins, addictions, or even painful thoughts that haunt us,
is, in my experience, the most powerful tool in fighting isolation and beginning healing. When we
isolate ourselves because of guilt, fear, sickness, or anger we keep ourselves from feeling the
love of our friends and our family. More damaging, we close ourselves off from feeling the love
of the Savior, until it seems like we had never felt it before and could never feel it again. If you
are struggling now, if you will not hear anything else that I say today, please hear this : that is
not true! Our Savior’s love is there.
Confessing, confiding, whatever you want to call it. Saying it out loud to someone who cares
about your well being, is very cathartic. If you don’t know where to turn, go to the bishop. He’s
an excellent resource; he can direct you to a therapist, doctor, the Church’s 12 step program, or
even another member who can empathize with your particular situation.
While I was pregnant with Josie, I felt myself slipping away. I could not feel connected to my
baby and I was dreading the prospect of having two children. I didn’t feel like I could talk to
David about this; he trusted me with his kids every day while he was at work and here I was
feeling like I couldn’t cope and couldn’t love them! I was ashamed that my maternal instincts
seemed to be broken. I didn’t even want to pray about it because I was bewildered at how a
Heavenly Father could possibly understand this anguish of a mother. I poured all of this into a
blog post that I then shared with my family and friends via Facebook. I just needed to get all of
that crushing ugliness out of me. I was met with love and support. What was surprising, though,
was the number of my friends who publicly commented or privately messaged me, sharing
similar experiences and thanking me for being willing to talk about it. I realized that honestly
sharing our weaknesses, however scary or shameful they may be, can make us all stronger.
Isolation cannot work if we know we are not alone.
However, it is not easy to share such personal things. That is why it is so important that in our
conversations, in our Sunday School discussions, in our Priesthood and Relief Society
meetings, we infuse all our comments with love and consideration. I read a personal story about
a young woman struggling with an addiction to pornography. She described the surge of guilt
and self loathing she felt when her young women's leader said “even though I Know none of you
have this problem, we are going to talk about the dangers of pornography today.” Needless to
say, that was not the day that young woman felt like she had a safe and loving place to confide
in her leaders.
I'm not suggesting we need to be overly PC or feel like we have to walk on eggshells on the off
chance of offending someone. I am suggesting that we strive to be considerate in the things we
share. Our thoughts should be thoughtful.
As I spent the past few weeks trying to sort my thoughts on this topic I realized that at the very
center of this issue of confession was this verse from Matthew chapter 22: “thou shalt love thy
neighbor as thyself.” This short commandment is incredibly powerful.
A few years ago I read it and wept. I remember thinking that never in a million years would I
treat anybody as badly as I treated myself. How could I obey this commandment, the second
great commandment, when I couldn't love myself? What I was unable to see and understand
was my inherent worth as a child of God. My sick mind twisted gospel truths until I couldn't find
comfort in them anymore. Instead of feeling awe and relief from the atonement, I felt more guilt.
After all, if Christ suffered for my sins, felt all my hurts, then being stuck in my depression and
with the subsequent pains, I was just heaping more hurt onto His shoulders. If He felt forsaken
by God, whom he knew and had a perfect, unshaking knowledge of, what hope could there be
for me. What broke this cycle was saying these things out loud. I told my therapist about all
these things that were bothering me. She asked me if a five year old version of myself was in
the room with me, having the same hurts that I have now, would I still think that she was so
unworthy of love. I said no. She said, then stop telling this to yourself now because that little girl
is still in there.
Please, brothers and sisters, don't let these pains fester in isolation. Remember your worth,
think of the child within you. We are loved by our heavenly parents, and we are well worth
fifteen minutes of someone's time. Don't use the bishop's “importance” or busyness as an
excuse to not confess your hard things to him.
Let us also remember the commandment to love our neighbor as we love ourselves when
listening. If a friend or family member or someone you home or visit teach, confides in you, put a
pin in judgement, fear, and even trying to figure out a solution. Just let a Christ like love guide
you. Let them know that you do love them and that they are not alone. If it is a problem bigger
than you, remember to love yourself as well, and get support from the appropriate people. We
are expected to love and take care of each other, but it is not showing how well you love
yourself when you let someone else's problems eat you up. Some resources that I really
recommend if you would like to increase your understanding of student struggles and to
increase your empathy and love, aside from the scriptures, can be found in the library here or
on the gospel library app like Let Virtue Garnish Thy Thoughts, Good Loveth His Children, and
the Addiction Recovery manual. They are written with love and empathy and have a wealth of
information for all of us.
With a better understanding of our divine nature and our infinite worth, we will not allow
ourselves to miserably suffer in isolation, nor will we encourage others to do so, either on
purpose or accidentally.
I'd like to share one more personal story with you from one of my depression days. It was the
beginning of 2010 and I was living with my older sister in Provo. I was unable to go to school
and she was on R and R from working for the state department in Afghanistan where her
husband still was. We had big problems between her PTSD and mine, but we also had each
other. One night I was with her in her bed because my anxiety prevented me from being alone. I
was telling her that I couldn't imagine life any different than it was now and that that prospect
made me too tired; I couldn't face more tomorrows. She looked at me with the frustration of an
impotent loved one and said “Idiots every single day get this kind of thing sorted out. You, little
sister, are better than an idiot.”
So in the spirit of Valentine's day, I bear my testimony of love. Of the unconditional love of our
heavenly parents and our savior. Of the imperfect but earnest love of our families, of the love of
a bishop, of the love and camaraderie of our ward family, of the love we can each have for
ourselves if we nurture it like any relationship. There is love all around us. There is love from all
around for us. To feel it and be freed from isolation, we just need to break our silence. There is
great power and healing in vulnerability. I say this in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
